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Written by Dr. Stephanie McGraw, PsyD
August 29, 2024
Key Take Aways
Finding a therapist you connect with is an essential part of the healing journey.
It is normal to not feel a connection with every therapist you interact with, and it does not mean that you are incurable.
Speaking directly to your therapist about the way you are interacting can positively impact your interactions and deepen your feelings of connection.
Whether you have just made the decision to start therapy for the first time or you have tried a number of therapists in the past, finding your therapist can be a daunting task. Where do you start? Who do you choose? How do you know which stranger's name on the internet is the one who will take the time to listen to you, to understand you, and to accept you without judgment? Do you pick the psychiatrist or the psychologist? Which one prescribes the medications, again? Do you choose the one with an entire alphabet of letters following their name? Surely they have to know something to have earned all of those credentials. What about the one who throws out all of the buzzwords your friends swear by like CBT and EMDR? Then again, in the era of year-long wait-lists and providers who are not in network with insurance, should you just be grateful to find someone who will call you back?
Let's be honest. Therapy is not for the faint of heart. To even consider starting this process, you are acknowledging that something - or likely many things - in your life aren’t going the way that you'd like. You may be feeling different than you have before. Perhaps you’re feeling emotionally heavier, fatigued, or anxious. Any of these symptoms make it that much harder to not only look up a list of therapists, but also to contact them, likely leave a message, and then wait (and wait) for a reply. You've already done so much work to invest in this treatment before your therapist ever even greets you. And then you have your first visit - whether it is online or in person - where you are expected to open up to a complete stranger about your deepest fears, insecurities, and shame without even being told what to do with your hands. It's enough to scare almost anyone away.
But not you. You are still reading. You are still holding onto the hope of what therapy could be, and what it could offer you if only you find your right therapist. And that is why I am here to help.
You see, I have long been sharing with my patients a very well-guarded secret in the mental health world. Today, I would like to share that secret with you, so here goes. No two therapists are alike, because ultimately no two people are alike. And even if they try to deny it, therapists bear a striking resemblance to people - flaws and all. Because of this, each therapist has their unique approach, style, and personality that may or may not resonate with you. And that is ok. Not clicking with your therapist does not mean you have failed therapy and are destined to a life of misery. Contrary to what marketing experts may want you to believe, people are not ranked on a universal hierarchy of worth. The therapist with decades of experience and a million letters after their name may not be the one best suited to walk this chapter of your life by your side. The initial goal of any worthwhile treatment is building a strong relationship with your therapist, what we in the field call a therapeutic alliance or therapeutic rapport.
Therapy is a highly personal and individual journey, and the therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist plays a crucial role in the effectiveness of the treatment. Regardless of the number of credentials that follow a person's name, a good therapist will create a safe and non-judgmental space for you to explore your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. They will listen attentively, offer support, and provide guidance to help you navigate through your challenges as you work towards positive change. Remember, at its core, therapy is designed to be a collaborative process, and the success of your therapy journey largely depends on the relationship you build with your therapist. A therapist may have the most sophisticated training and answers to all of the universe's questions, but if they do not take the time to listen to you and explain themselves in a way that is relevant and accessible, their expertise has no way to positively shape your life. Through conversation, individuals in therapy can unravel the complexities of their inner world, gain insights into their behaviors and patterns, and cultivate a deeper understanding of themselves. This introspective journey often leads to profound revelations, emotional breakthroughs, and lasting positive changes.
To accomplish these goals, we first need a therapeutic relationship that is built on trust, empathy, and confidentiality. These building blocks provide a safe container for individuals to explore their vulnerabilities, fears, and aspirations. Therapists frequently emphasize the importance of establishing the framework for therapy sessions, a process known as "setting the frame of therapy." This crucial step involves clearly outlining the guidelines and mutual expectations that will structure the therapeutic relationship and your interactions. While it is common for therapists to take the lead in defining these parameters, what may not always be explicitly communicated is the significant role that you play in co-creating and shaping this therapeutic space.
As a client, your active participation and engagement are essential in influencing the dynamics of the therapeutic environment. Your input, feedback, and willingness to communicate your needs and boundaries are fundamental in shaping the direction and effectiveness of the therapy process. By openly sharing your thoughts, concerns, and goals with your therapist, you contribute to the collaborative nature of therapy, fostering a sense of partnership and shared responsibility.
Moreover, your role in shaping the therapeutic space extends beyond mere compliance with the therapist's guidelines. Your authenticity, vulnerability, and willingness to engage in the therapeutic process all play a vital role in creating a safe and supportive environment where meaningful growth and healing can occur. Your active involvement in therapy includes giving yourself permission to share with your therapist those thoughts and feelings you are likely all to accustomed to filtering out of your other relationships. For example, if you felt especially validated by your therapist after they made a reflection in session, do you share that observation with them? Do you tell them explicitly when you do not agree with an interpretation they made? What about if you are unsure what they are thinking when they let the silence linger? Do you tell them if you feel like they aren't understanding you or if their words caused you pain? Do you step into this vulnerability without knowing how they will respond and often fearing the worst? Will your words scare them? Will they believe that you are too difficult or too much? Will they reject you if you really show them the version you hide from everyone else?
While I cannot guarantee how every therapist will respond. I can tell you that you deserve to work with a therapist who works to understand you and to shape your therapy to be exactly what you need it to be. Therefore, while therapists play a pivotal role in establishing the framework of therapy, it is essential to recognize and embrace your agency as a client in co-creating a space that is conducive to your individual growth, healing, and self-discovery regardless of what you believe others need or expect out of you. Your active participation, openness, and commitment to the therapeutic process can significantly influence the outcomes of therapy, making it a truly collaborative and transformative experience.
In sum, therapy is as much of an art than it is a science. Compliance alone is unlikely to leave you feeling deeply connected to and understood by your therapist. Instead, I urge you to take up space. Ask questions. Share your experiences. Clarify your understanding. Whether this will be your first therapy experience or your twentieth, know that we, at Aspen Grove Wellness, are looking forward to collaborating with you as you co-create a therapeutic relationship that is as unique as you are. I know that it can be scary, but it can also be great. Don't put it off for one more day - contact us and get started on your journey towards greater mental wellness.
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